AnswerZ: The Web Comic Game Show

The first installment of AnswerZ: The Web Comic Game Show.

Final Analysis: I’ll need to pick up some advertisers, so I can offer non-magical prizes.

Riffs on Pics #3: Again?

Back by absolutely no popular demand, in fact, ignoring several demands not to do it – Riffs on Pics! This time we are going to take a themed approach: Sleep. Don’t worry, everyone’s nude.

See what I bought at the furniture outlet? No, silly, not the bed. The nest above it. Maybe this will keep the pigeons off my face while I'm sleeping.

This is my completely redecorated bedroom, but I'm not still not happy with it. I'm thinking of adding a few hundred more things from Pottery Barn. Would a giant blue clothespin clash with my Moroccan theme? Oh, who cares.

If you have trouble sleeping at night, visualization techniques may be effective. As you lay quitely in your bed, imagine sleeping soundly. If that doesn't help, under no circumstances should you think about the large mass of tounge weighing heavily on the back of your throat.

Hammocks are really good at two things: entertaining children and attracting old dorky men. They are piss poor at many things, like surgery and functioning as a bed.

"Harness your child's natural desire to sleep under piles of amorphous foam and other children, and buy 'Misshapen Grey Pillows'! Act now, and we'll throw in another pillow that we claim looks a lot like the Virgin Mary."

I know it has nothing to do with sleeping, except that turkeys are magical and everytime I'm reading a book that talks about magic I fall asleep. But I wanted to show off my new crafting project. I thought it would be a festive holiday alternative to setting it on fire. Also, people are much more likely to open it if you fabreeze the outside.

Final Analysis: All living things have to do three things: eat, sleep, and this.

Cherry Coconut Dessert Shooters Recipe

Everything you need for: “Cherry Coconut Pie Dessert Shooters” (a.k.a. “The Xenophobic”)

 

-Find These at an American Owned Grocery-

Six Elegant Shot Glasses

One can of cherries in syrup

One can of coconut milk with pulp

One bag of Almond Granola

One Heated Ice Scraper

This instruction sheet

-Instructions-

1. Plug the Heated Ice Scraper into your car’s AC outlet, to warm up, and start your car.

2. Go inside to open everything else and nibble

3. Now, get to business after reciting the Pledge of Allegiance

4. Place two cherries in each glass, allow some juice to dribble in with them

5. Add coconut milk until the glass is 2/3rds full

6. Sprinkle granola to top

6. Add American Flag. Let folks know that, despite the almonds and fancy coconut, this here is basically cherry crisp, and that’s Amer’can as it gets.

7. Got to your car and unplug the Heated Ice Scraper because your windshield should be defrosted now.

Options: For extra fun, substitute some coconut for a fine Kentucky Bourbon. Don’t even think about using Vodka, you communist!

Last Minute Stocking Stuffers

It’s that time of year again, when we visit the carryout to pick out some thoughtful gifts that will fit into a size 20 sock. Never fear, because I have a special holiday list of “The Best Gifts for the Holiday Sock.” The regular edition more convoluted and byzantine, because I wanted to use the word byzantine. Anyway, here are some gifts sure to turn those Christmas frowns into Christmas confused fake grins.

1. Lottery Ticket- your loved ones will feel that tingling in their belly, when they are reminded that they haven’t eaten yet. Nothing says “I want the odds stacked against you” like a scratch off. Best case scenario is that they win $3, exchange that for three tickets, and become locked in a two-week cycle of win and bust before the money actually dries up. Who Should Get It: Anyone who asks for money or wants a gambling addiction.

2. Half-Gallon of Milk - Now here’s a gift anyone can use. How versatile the half-gallon of milk is! It looks great in the refrigerator, but it is also a lethal poison for the right person . Who Should Get It: Your lactose intolerant Uncle who’s always telling you to get a job. He clearly doesn’t understand how hard it is out there.  I look everyday… I mean, you look everyday, but it is really cold outside right now. Tip: Don’t forget to dump out the milk and replace it with vienna sausages (because they are easy to choke on).

3. Loose Batteries – This makes a fun game and a weapon. If this is going to be a good gift, you need to mix in some of you old batteries from home. Your loved ones will have a blast trying to figure out which ones work. I recommend paring this with any small gadget that takes four or more batteries and a broken battery tester. Who Should Get It: Any child with burned out parents. Bonus: insist that they try out the gadget immediately, because you’d love to get a picture of little Suzie playing with it.

Step 1: open your battery drawer. Step 2: empty that into a sock. Step 3: realize you have plausible deniability in case any of them are leaking. Step 4: make sure you put that stocking in another bag for transport.

4. Assorted Candies - nothing fancy. Just use whatever is lying around the house. Then go to the carryout to get yourself some new stuff. Who Should Get It: Again, any child with burned out parents. Bonus: insist that they eat the candy immediately, because you’d love to get a picture of little Suzie on a sugar high.

5. Undergarments - Most reputable carryouts have these in stock for those “on-the-road” mishaps (i.e. road-rage, explosive diarrhea, etc.). Who Should Get It: That hitchhiker you picked up on the way.

Caution: the following gifts are for advanced stocking stuffers only. Do not actually do these things, unless you want to have extreme amounts of holiday fun!

6. Aerosol Can of Tire Polish, Cigarette Lighter, and a Colt 45 Tallboy,  - In my family, this is a tried and true holiday staple. There really is nothing like getting drunk and playing with a homemade flame-thrower. Who Should Get It: Your boss. Tell him it’s a kit for decorating the office. The Tallboy is for you, obviously.

Did I mention you shouldn't drink this and throw flames at the same time? I didn't? Good. Although, you might want to alternate, for saftey reasons.

8. Work Gloves,  15ft of Extension Cord, and Breath Mints - I don’t want to give away all the fun, but let’s just say this gift set also involves fraying the extension cord and chasing a small, frightened animal around a snowy landscape. The breath mint is for after you catch it. Wow! Wild animals have fierce breath! Who Should Get It: Me. Hint: hide the pets!

Final Analysis: Sure, Martha Stewart has a list, but can her list make your family truly happy? Well, there’s actually no way to quantify or substantiate that, so you might as well just shove that issue of Living in a stocking and throw that stocking away.

Merry Christmas!

The Bottle List: Things to do before I start drinking too hard

Seems like, these days, everybody’s got a Bucket List, but all this bucket listing is eating into time that could be spent making other lists: like a list of things to do before you start drinking. How do you want your life to be, before the world starts to spin away and you start explaining your political opinions to the bartender? I’m going to keep this list in my pocket, and pull it out when ever I need to be reminded of what I want to accomplish in life, before doing a keg stand.

Before I start drinking too hard, I’d like to (in no particular order):

1. Finish walking across this tightrope.

2. Eat a large meal.

3. Drink lots of fluids (that are not alcohol).

4. Leave my hand-puppets at home this time.

5. Inform everyone at the bar that “I am getting totally f*ed up tonight.”

6. Play Jenga.

7. Open my mouth.

8. Take up wearing a trench coat no matter how warm it is outside.

9. Shave.

10. Facebook message my old girlfriends

10. Log into Facebook.

11. Kiss a beautiful woman and remember it

12. Learn to mime. Just kidding, I meant kill a mime. And remember it.

13. Stop making fun of mimes. They are literally defenseless.

14. Stop talking about mimes so much. I don’t want to be rambling about that when I’m drunk.

15. Learn to play piano.

16. Visit the Grand Canyon.

17. Ask someone where the bathroom is.

18. Apply to work at Denny’s. Last time I applied, durning an early morning pancake feast, I used the past-employment section as a tic-tac-toe board/place for empy butter packets.

Final Analysis: Update – Last night has inspired me to modify “Eat large meal” to “Eat moderate meal”, and add “Apologize in advance to the elderly couple across the street.” There’s no reason they had to see that during their morning tea.

My Updated Resume

Well, it’s that time of year again, when I post my resume on an obscure blog and hope that someone skims it to quickly rule me out for an employment opportunity. If you find yourself interested in my unique skill set, please don’t hesitate to ignore that impulse. It will lead you down a dark and narrow path, like the one that leads to regret and that cool new bar everyone is talking about.

The Dustblog

1776 Liberty St.

Freedomville, U.S.A.

419-555-5555

dustinmw.wordpress.com

Career Objective: Manage a suburban discotheque/antique barn/lobster bisque 

Experience

Exotic Pet Groomer

August 2011 to September 2011 

• Successfully avoided being eaten by 34 Meerkats
• Successfully replaced slow moving assistant groomer
• Shaved Green Bay Packers symbol onto a Bear’s chest (Brian Urlacher)
• Accidentally plucked all the feathers off a barn owl

Cleaning Supervisor

June 2011 to July 2011

• Responsible for a crew of one, including myself and a mop bucket
• Complied 70 page daily reports and published them on lulu
• Daydreamed about solving complex equations and meeting Robin Williams
• Wore thigh-high socks with short-shorts

Tattoo Artist Person

February 2011

• Lost lawsuit to customer angry that the tattoo of their dad looked more like a green stripe

Human Statue

October 2010

• Covered 95% of body in silver spray paint
• Admired myself in the mirror
• Took a shower
• Still have some spray paint on

That Guy

February 1973 to Present

• Showed up to a party with Natural Light, got drunk on bottled Sam Adams
• Tried to start slow clap in library when shushed
• Posted personal rants about my parents on YouTube under famous movie titles
• Picked up smoking, so I could brag about how easy it is to quit
• Didn’t see toilet paper, so used hand towel by the sink

Education

Certificate of Completion: Driver’s Education

AAA Driving School

May 1994

Purchase Receipt

JCPenny’s

May 2011

Selected Skills and Accomplishments

• Participation – 3^rd Grade Bowling Tournament
• Dressed myself once
• Teach disadvantaged children to read and write porn scripts

Final Analysis: If you’d like to hire me for full or part-time work, please contact me between the hours of 2:00am and 3:00am any Tuesday morning.

Dear Santa, Where’s My Ipod?

Readers: Please enjoy the following “Letter to Santa” I stole from my neighbor’s mailbox. Next time: Darling family bank statements and an issue of “Cat Fancy.”

Dear Santa,

My name is Brad, and I’m writing to you about my Christmas gift this year. Since I’m 11 now, I was gonna ask you for a new bike. But more than anything, I’d really just like to get my stolen ipod back. My understanding is that you are always watching, so you ought to know who took it.

Was it my sister, Kelly?!

Tell me, has she been ”good or bad”? I saw her lurking around my door the day it went missing. Now, I realize she’s 16, so she might not be young enough for you anymore. But I’ve noticed a lot of old guys watching her, so I’d guess you still do too.

Don’t burden your sleigh with more plastic junk this year. When you sneek in the family room window, like my mom says, make a pit stop to my sister’s room and check out her bookbag. I think that’s where it is, buried under a bunch of yucky girl stuff. It’s like there’s glitter lip gloss smeared on everything. You can use the gloves under the kitchen sink.

My mom said, if I lose another one, I’ll have to pay for it with my allowance. At $10 a week, I’ll be lucky to buy a decent one on sale by next summer. Listen, I appreciate that you probably have a lot on your plate, but I’ll put some extra cookies on it if you’ll just get that ipod back. Plus, you can take some of my sisters DVD’s.

Please Santa, make my life, and your life, easier this Christmas. Give the gift you gave me last year. You don’t even have to wrap it. Just put my old ipod on my dresser. Sure, I can reload all my music again, but there are things on there I can’t replace. I have some great photos of my friend’s birthday party last month, and I have some even better ones of his older sister, Jenny, taking a shower.

Consider this my last request, Santa. I really don’t want the hassle of having to go to my facebook page everytime I want to look at those pictures of Jenny.

Sincerely,

Brad Darling

Final Analysis:

Remember this Santa? We've had some good times together. Don't make me tell the other kids that you smell like gun powder and my dad's secret cabinet.

Bucket List 2.0: Filling My Bucket with Regrets

There comes a time at the end of one’s life, when you have to look back and start whining about your “big regrets” (and your “sore back”). However, I don’t want to get there and have nothing to regret, so I’ve made the following list of things that I will most certainly not do before I die.

I will regret not getting to:

1. Visit the  top of the Eiffel Tower. If I ever get to Paris, I’d like to go home and rest assured that I do not know how quickly a flock of pigeons can fill a wine glass with excrement.

2. Skydive, or Bungee Jump. I’m going to do one of these and assume the other is pretty similar. I think I’d rather regret not jumping out of a plane with a peice of fancy-colored nylon as my only safety plan.

3. See the Grand Canyon: I get it. It’s big. I’m sure there are other great things nearby, too. I’m going to have to develop some really strong coping mechanisms for dealing with the fact that I never rode a smelly, sweaty, stubborn, sterile (why not?), animal for 4 hours in 100 degree heat to see some slightly different rocks and trees.

4. Learning to play the Sousaphone. Hell, I don’t even know what that thing is, and I’m going to keep it that way. The less I know, the more I have to regret.

5. Take the trash out more often. It’s sad, I know, but I try not to take out the garbage until my neighbors start to complain about the smell. Unfortunately, that only encourages me further. When it gets bad enough, the health department comes and makes all the bad stuff to away.

6. Fight a bear. I’ve got a strategy that’s working, so far. I’ll just continue to avoid smelling like food while walking in bear country and hope it all works out as another end of life disappointment. As opposed to a life-ending disappointment.

Yeah, I could totally see myself not doing this. Hey, wanna bet on who wins?

7. Tell my parents that I love them one last time before they die. This should make for some top-notch drama, especially if I cap it off by getting drunk and passing out one their headstone.

Final Analysis: Life is a lot easier to win, if you’re playing to lose.

Guest Blogger: DJ Ronstar! “You can be a DJ too! Maybe!”

Perusing the comments thread of a Freshly Pressed blog, I found a commenter whose style and unique blog design has enraptured me with rapture. I decided to give my new, completely unvetted, friend a podium of even lower height. Enjoy:

Hey everyone, I’m DJ Ronstar, and I have an awesome offer for you. I want you to enjoy the social prestige that every DJ knows! Check out my site:

Do you see me there? Just kidding. That's my head photoshoped onto an ugly jacket!

My promise is that I will teach you to beat match flawlessly in seconds. Seconds! Not in hours or days, like those other DJ books out there. Did I mention it would be seconds after reading my 500 page e-book?

Have you seen this in the comments to your blog? That's not surprising. I post it everywhere. I even carved it into a bathroom stall.

Not only do I comment on blogs, I also DJ! And I have written a potentially award-winning book on being the best DJ in [your area here]. Won’t you please buy my book?! I think it will make you a DJ Star. Now, that is hard to refute.

I forgot to add that I will also teach you how to ignore typos in topic lists. And, my closing is true! I'm willing to HOLD YOUR HAND, if you buy the book. And I'm willing to go ALL THE WAY if you buy several!

Don’t miss out on this golden opporunity! That could be an image of you DJing to an ambivalent crowd of mall-walkers!

Check out some of my glowing reviews:

And these are just the two people who read my book, so imagine all the reviews I'll get after you and others read it!

You’ll agree that these “ideas I have already discovered on my own.” Foo-foo is right too; you will get the sense that all these ideas came from my personal, first-hand, immediate, experience that I, myself, went through. I didn’t read them in other DJ books!

Final Analysis: Thanks, DJ Ronstar. I would take you up on your offer of a free e-book, if I could afford the shipping.

My business should be booming by now. What happened?

I know the first three years of a new business are the toughest, but I have put a lot of my time into this one. After all my efforts, I expected something a little more dramatic. I thought, for sure, that my new business would be booming by now, given the amount of C4 I packed into the lower-level office and storage area.
 
It’s not like I didn’t have a business plan. All the introductory books advise it. That’s why I drew up such elaborate technical diagrams of the support structures for the building and laid out precisely where each barrel of chemicals should be placed. My strategy should be sending shockwaves throughout the industry, or at least for 3.1 miles, according to my calculations.
 
Hear that sound? Exactly. Nothing. My customers wanted an explosion of savings. Now, it looks like I’m saving my explosion for other customers. If everything had worked out right, you’d be able to hear our prices dropping through the floor, and products flying off the shelves at the speed of sound, relative to the site of the initial detonation. Here’s one thing I know for sure: customers hate high price tags attached to items that have not been reduced to a cloud of ash.
 
When I see how neatly organized my store is, it makes me sick. However, that could be a reaction from the chemicals I have been mixing in the storage shed. All I wanted to do was bring quality products to my customers all over the region. With the economy the way it is, how is that going to happen? They aren’t even going to overcome gravity without a forceful burst from below, so there’s no way they can spread that far.
 
I had dreams of having a huge impact on this world. I wanted my actions to have real depth. I wanted to innovate through dynamite customer service, but I think I attached the blasting caps backwards. It looks like I’ll be lucky if the explosion is big enough to put a crack in the parking lot.
 
In my commercials, I claimed that my competitors think I’m crazy. There’s no way I can demonstrate that, if I can’t get the remote ignition device to work. I’m going to look like a liar! It might be the battery. Who am I kidding? I can’t do anything right. 

 Final Analysis: You really can’t run a successful business without taking some risks. I’ll probably have to go back in and do some trouble-shooting to fix the problem. Unless I’m mistaken, I think I put my gun in the filing cabinet.